過山車 Rooler Coaster

過去一個禮拜如坐過山車。

4月27號禮拜一, 興高彩列地慶祝滿月，和中學同學Skype， 過後胃口奇好，完全沒有化療不想吃的那種感覺。

4月28號禮拜二。下午時候醫院打電話來說因為我的白血球過低，要暫停次日的化療。心中很開心可以休息。怎料，兩個小時候，醫院又再來電說醫生說可以做。心情一下由高處跌下來，和醫生討價還價後，準備接受原定的化療。晚上吃完飯後，在廚房就被電線拌到。跌倒在地時聽到左邊面好像“拍”的聲音。。由於我有心律不整的心房震動問題，故此服用薄血藥，打電話給是醫生的黃天賜師母。她認為我應該沒有什麼大礙，我就回到床上休息和感謝。                                                                                                                      

當晚和范牧師唱的歌是活在生命的光中，是詩篇56篇第13節的話語。所以唱時，就再讀這經文，發現神已經告訴我:"因為你救我的命脫離死亡，你豈不是救護我的腳不跌倒，使我在生命光中行走在神面前嗎”。我心裏面非常感恩，原來神早已知道我會跌倒，他會救我，所以就安然入睡。

入睡前心中再一次感謝神，這時候，一個意念和畫面出現。我仿似看見主耶穌張開祂的手側躺在我身旁，而我的面其實是跌在祂的手裡。我恍然大悟，為什麼即使我聽到拍一下的聲音，但面部沒有腫，完全沒有瘀青。原來我是跌在神的手中。

突然之間，記起小時一件事。小學時，上自然堂，做實驗，把小燈泡用電線連著電心的正負兩極，燈泡就會發亮，我就經常拿着小燈泡，這裏照照那裏照照。電用完了，我就妙想天開、自作聰明地，爬上張凳，站在那裏，把房中天花上的電燈泡除下來，然後將電池，想插進去充電。當我把手舉高的想插的時候，突然間我的右手前臂被狠狠地打了一下，‘拍‘的一聲把我的手和電心打下來。我定一定神才知道我剛才的動作是這麼危險。奇怪的是，當時房間裏只有我一個人，完全沒有其他人在，但右前臂的痛是實在的，’拍‘的那下聲音也是實在的。長大之後我知道是神差派天使保護我。今天晚上的跌倒我知道神再一次成就他對我的保證，是他自己親自搭救我。感謝主是。 

4月29號星期三。接受化療的時候，有藥劑師過來告訴我由於白血球過低故要打白血球加強劑事，及我應當留意的事。回家後看到關於白血球加強劑的副作用有骨痛、出血等。一下子，童年時候，自八歲開始身體經常受風濕關節發炎，許多時候因為疼痛不能行路而要躺在床上兩個多禮拜，最終導致兩次心臟心包發炎，加上從小就牙床出血、兩次莫名地流血不止的事件，一種驚惶失措懼怕的感覺、排山倒海般出現。內心極度不安，想起來讚美敬拜都沒有力量。

這時我想起我不是有150多位代禱者嗎，我自己不能獨自承擔這懼怕，我需要代禱的支持。於是我就發出特別代禱要求。發出後我自己安靜在神前，我問:"主阿我到底怎麼樣了，為什麼這樣差勁喎“。這時候聖靈光照我，第一:我是何等善忘的一個人。神不是多次地對我說他是我的盾牌嗎，這麼快就忘記了。4月29號那天早上的詩篇讀經五十九點十一節上帝已經提醒我。經文說"不要殺他們，恐怕我的民忘記，主阿你是我們的盾牌。求你用你的能力是他們四散，且降為卑”。接着，聖靈又光照我，我不但善忘，而且小信。范牧師提醒我，我對化療醫生的安排有懷疑，這樣的態度對她來說是一種的得罪，因為不信任。范牧師的提醒讓我知道，我在神面前的小信，其實就是一種罪，是一種得罪神的心態。我立刻求主赦免我的罪，我再次對主說，主啊我選擇相信，我選擇信靠和選擇立在你的應許上。認罪禱告完畢。說不出來的平安就在內心裏悠然生出。我知道上帝赦免了我。當天晚上，我默想默想希伯來書第四章在施恩坐前得憐恤恩惠的隨時幫助，我懇求主用他的恩惠和憐憫的繩索牢牢地把我綁在施恩坐前。

4月30日星期四。心境大好。開開心心地到醫院接受加強劑。感謝主， 完全沒有副作用。

謝謝弟兄姊妹們的立時禱告把我托住在。禱告的力量真不簡單。

作天是五月二號，你猜神說甚麼嗎，"神說了一次兩次，我都聽見了，就是能力到屬乎神主啊是的慈愛也屬於你“ 哈利路亞。

Last week I was like riding a roller coaster.

4/27 Monday:

I was so happy to celebrate the one month being a cancer patient by chatting with my high school friends on Skype. I also had a good appetite and didn’t feel anything bad after my chemo.

4/28 Tuesday:

Got a call from the hospital saying my WBC was too low. So have to stop my chemo schecule on 4/29. I was more than happy because I could take a break. Unfortunately 2 hours afterwards, they called again saying my doctor confirmed I was OK to continue my chemo. I was like thrown back to valley . After some negotiations with the doctor, I was ready to take another chemo. However, after dinner, I was tripped by a power cord in the kitchen. I remember when I fell, I heard a “Pap” sound on my left face. I am actually taking blood thinning medicine due to my AFib problem. So called Mrs. Wong, who is a doctor. She believed I should be OK. I returned to bed and thank God. 

That night my husband and I were singing a song of Psalm 56:16. When we sang, we read the passage again and found God had already told me in the passage, “For you have delivered my soul from death, yes, my feet from falling, that I may walk before God in the light of life.” I was deeply thankful to God because He knew I would fall and that He would save me. I went to bed in peace.  

Before sleeping I thank God once again. Then there was a picture in my mind. I seemed seeing Jesus lying by my side with his hand open. My face actually fell into his palm! Now it made sense to me of what had happened. That’s why I heard a “Pap” sound when I fell but my face was not bruised: I actually fell into his hand!

Suddenly I recall an incident in my childhood. When I was in my Elementary School, there was anexperiment in the class of natural science. When a light bulb was connected to the positive and negative poles of a battery, it would glow. I found it so fun and played with the light bulb around at home. Soon the battery was gone. I thought I was smart and climbed up the chair to take down the light bulb of the pendant light, trying to plug the battery into the socket to charge up. All of a sudden somebody hit my right arm and the battery felt on the ground. Suddenly I realized I was in great danger. But the odd thing about it was only me was in the room and there was nobody else. However, I felt pain in my arm and the “Pap” sound was so real. After I grew up, I knew it was God sending His angel to protect me. My accident tonight was God’s pledge to me again that He would save me. Thank God again! 

4/29 Wednesday:

When I was undergoing chemo, a pharmacist came and told me I should receive a booster medication to improve my WBC. She also  mentioned some of the side effects to me  like pains in the bones, bleeding, etc. I suddenly recalled the unpleasant memories of childhood when I started to have rheumatoid arthritis since I was 8. It was so painful that sometimes I had to lie on bed for two weeks, finally causing my heart infections. I also had bleeding gums and there were to occasions when bleeding did not stop. My fear burst and I had a great unrest. I was so weak to even praise the Lord. 

I was reminded that  I have 150 people interceding for me. I found I could not face this problem alone and should seek intercessions. I therefore send out my intercession request. After sending, I calm down myself before God. I asked, “God, what’s wrong with me? How come I been so weak .” Then the Holy Spirit lightened me, “How come you are so forgetful? Has He reminded you many times He was your shield? How come you are so forgetful?” On 4/29, He reminded me through Psalm 59:11,“Kill them not, lest my people forget; make them totter by your power and bring them down, O Lord, our shield!”Then the Holy Spirit lightened me again, not only was I forgetful, but I also had little faith. My husband reminded me I did not trust the doctor’s chemo arrangement. This actually could be an offend to her because I didn’t trust  her. I was reminded then it is a sin if I don’t have faith in Him. I immediately asked God to forgive my sins. I said to Him, “God, I choose to trust. I choose to rely on you and plant my feet in your promise. After my confession,  peace creep in me which transcends all understanding. I knew God has forgiven me. I asked for his rope of of grace and mercy to tie me tightly to His throne. 

4/30 Thursday:
The joy returned to me. I went to the hospital with joy to get the booster shot. Thank God, there were no side effects. 

Thanks for all brothers and sisters supporting me with prayers. The power of prayers is beyond our perception. 

Yesterday is 5/2. What do you think God has told me? “Once God has spoken; twice have I heard this: that power belongs to God, and that to you, O Lord, belongs steadfast love.” (Psalm 62:11, 12a) Hallelujah!