有福啊 Blessed

到底要不要接受放射治療。我為這事尋求神的心意已好幾個禮拜。

做放療，會影響肺功能和甲狀腺功能，加重我現有的淋巴水腫問題，和可能慢性咳嗽。好處是我十年存活率會從百分之五六增加到百分之十到十二。原位復發會從不放療的5% 減至2%。不放療，我十年存活率只有百分之五。

我屬意不放療，但心中有一個掙扎，我是否因為懼怕那些副作用或放療期間的不適而不想做。我豈不是因肉體的軟弱和懼怕而失去榮耀神的機會嗎？一位主內牧者好友開玩笑地說我在“扭計唔肯食藥”。

在接受Dr. David Eckman的指導時，他提出我們是神的Enjoyment, 問我們對此有甚麼看法。討論過程中，發現華人文化中，父母對子女的讚賞大部份根據孩子的表現，我這一代人很受光宗耀祖這個心態影響。這文化其實也在影響着我們與父神的關係和我們的事奉心態。其實父神對我們的愛並不是根據我做了什麼榮耀祂的事，祂就是喜悅我這個人；就好像一個父親，滿心愉悅滿足地看着祂那個一歲多的女兒在碰碰撞撞地學走路，或發出一些無意義的牙牙學語。對一個在責任和表現的要求下成長的我，是一個嶄新的應用體會。 

期間有同學替我設計了一些思考的問題，也有原是家庭醫生的主內好友給我寶貴意見，代禱弟兄姊妹默默地為我做決定的過程替我守望代禱，告訴我，無論我做什麼決定，我都是在神的手中；一位姊妹替我等候時， 問主祂有甚麼話給我，詩篇23的話:神必與我同在，雖然行過死蔭的 幽谷， 也不怕遭害， 因為你與我同在；在敵人面前，我為你擺設筵席。

9/8禮拜二的時候打電話問候一位正在接受化療的姊妹，她介紹我去一個有腫瘤醫生解答關於癌症治療問題的聚會。9/9禮拜三下午我就去了那個聚會，戴醫生是新希望華人癌症基金會的創辦人和主席，在灣區有30多年經驗的腫瘤專科醫生，他知道我的病歷之後說我是一個很棘手的病人，一方面無法接受荷爾蒙療法；另外又因為我的心臟問題，沒有完成整個化療。但他衡量我接受放射治療的好處和心臟情況時說，治療癌症是一個長期的過程，但心臟的問題卻是個在一兩天就可能變得很壞的情況。

我知道不論我選擇做抑或不做，神都與我同在，我是安全的。我的心傾向不做放療，向神陳明，但我求祂直接給我祂的話。

9月9號收到一位豐富禱告經驗也出版關於禱告書籍的Sylvia女士，每週三所發的資料，Psalm 91, God's Protecting Presence，我請她為我禱告，她為我禱告:Esther，I am praying Psalm 91 for you.  Psalm 91 is the security of the one who trusts God. Security is all about my faithfulness to trust His faithfulness. And Jesus even lives in us to be our faithfulness because he knows we can’t do it on our own. He doesn’t expect us to. 2 Timothy 2:13 says If we are faithless, he remains faithful, for he cannot deny Himself. It is ALL Him, through and through!

禮拜五開始讀詩篇91篇不同的翻譯版本。我看了和合本、聖經新譯本、和呂振中譯本；英文讀了NIV、 MSG(MESSAGE)。當我一讀到英文Message的譯本時，我簡直想跳起來，高興開心，非常喜樂。因為MSG是這樣寫的：

His huge outstretched arms protect you—

under them you’re perfectly safe;

his arms fend off all harm.

我腦海出現一幅圖畫，耶和華的膀臂、巨大無比和無限地伸出來；我知道:如果我選擇做放射治療，祂會替我掃除一切的傷害。跟著讀到14-16節

 “If you’ll hold on to me for dear life,” says God,
    “I’ll get you out of any trouble.
I’ll give you the best of care
    if you’ll only get to know and trust me.
Call me and I’ll answer, be at your side in bad times;
    I’ll rescue you, then throw you a party.
I’ll give you a long life,
    give you a long drink of salvation!”

如果個選擇不做放射治療，把我的性命交托給祂，祂會給我最好的照顧，替我開個party ,給我長壽，長飲於救恩之泉。神的話是這麼清楚。我帶着極大的平安和滿心歡喜快樂地選擇不做放療。做決定時和之後我心中充滿說不出來的喜樂，每次想起這個過程，我就會忍不住從心裏笑出來喜樂滿溢。好幾天了，依然如此 ：))

詩篇91和主內姊妹替我從神那裏領受的詩篇23篇話語是前後呼應的。

雖然行過死蔭的幽谷， 也不怕遭害， 因為你與我同在；His huge outstretched arms fend off all harm.

在敵人面前，我為你擺設筵席。I’ll rescue you, then throw you a party. I’ll give you a long life,    give you a long drink of salvation!”

我的天爸爸實在疼愛我。我只是小小的堅定地尋求祂， 祂就連忙把各種各樣的好處賜下， 除敵、安全、壽數、滿溢之救恩、還要開個Party 給我。有福啊！！！

The past few weeks, I have been pondering and seeking after Him whether I should do the Radiation Treatment or not. Benefit is chance to live 10 year increase from 5-6% to 10-12%, and local relapse from 5% reduced to 2%.  The down side is the lung and typhoid function will be damaged, and lymphdema and chronic coughing risk.

Yes, I have struggles inside, am I having the fear of the pain and suffering from the treatment process as well as the side effects, so that I pet on the fear and not willing to take it as a chance to bring glory to Him ? Just as one of our long time pastor good friend teasing me, "Esther, you are cranky, not willing to take your medications."

In one of the mentoring session with Dr. David Eckman who asked us the following question, "God as our Father ,what do you think that we actually are His enjoyment". During the discussion process, we found that the Chinese culture, which is performance and shame base,  does not give us this perspective nor experience that parents enjoy us. We were brought up with expectations and not to shame our ancestors by great achievement and performances.  That has impact our relationship with God being our Father, also we try to please Him, or to express our love to Him, thru our service.  Actually, Father God just want to enjoy us, like a father fully pleased with his one year old daughter learning to talk to him and holding his hands trying to walk.

I am not lonely during the decision making process, good advices from friend who is a retired family doctor, classmate helping me to think from various perspectives, and all the prayer supporters holding me with their prayers and sent me their word from God, that I am in His hands, and a sister sent me Psalm 23 as word for me from God telling me that I will not be harmed thru the valley of death, and He will provide me a feast in front of the foes.

9/8 Tuesday I called a sister who is going thru chemo treatment to see how is she doing. she referred me to attend a open meeting for Chinese cancer patients to ask the doctor regarding their treatment.

9/9 afternoon, I went for 2nd opinion, Dr.Edmund Tai (an oncologist for more than 30 years with Palo Alto Medical group in Mt View) told me the following:-

                2008, Demark, 'post mastectomy radiology' said that  RT is strongly suggest if there are 4 or more  positive  nodes.  My case is challenging,  for I am a triple negative, and did not finish the full chemo due to heart situation.  Personally, he sees that way " cancer healing is a long term process, while heart situation can become worse in just one or two days".  (That was what happened to me).

I also checked with my cardiologist, he told me, "If the thyroid function does get out of balance, it can certainly contribute to afib (typically increased rates). Sometimes lung disease can contribute to arrhythmias such as afib and, if severe enough, can increase the HR a bit." And he understand my intention not to have RT because especially since it was more difficult to control than we expected during some of my other cancer therapies.
I know what to decide, but I still beg my Father to give me His word direct for me to move on.

Same Wed, I received the weekly devotional material 'Psalm 91, God's Protecting Presence' from Slyvia Gunter who wrote many articles in prayers, I asked her to pray for me, she wrote the following:- Esther，I am praying Psalm 91 for you.  Psalm 91 is the security of the one who trusts God. Security is all about my faithfulness to trust His faithfulness. And Jesus even lives in us to be our faithfulness because he knows we can’t do it on our own. He doesn’t expect us to. 2 Timothy 2:13 says If we are faithless, he remains faithful, for he cannot deny Himself. It is ALL Him, through and through!

As I begin to reading various translation version on PS91, I almost jumped with joy as I read the Message version, I have seen a picture of : His huge outstretched arms protect you—    under them you’re perfectly safe;   his arms fend off all harm.  (If I had the radiation, He will protect me from the side effects),

 “as I continue on verse 14-16,If you’ll hold on to me for dear life,” says God,    “I’ll get you out of any trouble. I’ll give you the best of care.    if you’ll only get to know and trust me. Call me and I’ll answer, be at your side in bad times;    I’ll rescue you, then throw you a party. I’ll give you a long life,    give you a long drink of salvation!”  (If I choose not to have radiation, He will give me the best care, prepare me a party, give me long life:)

It echoes with Psalm 23, no harm from death valley, He will fend off them.

He provide a feast in front of my foes, He throw me a party

Hallelujah,  I chose not to have the radiation, and hold on Him for my life. I made the decision with such great peace, assurance, confidence and GREAT Joy.  Whenever I thought of how I come to that point, I burst out in joyful laughing, it has been now several days, I still do.

I have a Father who enjoys me so much that only I put a very tiny effort to try to be faithful to trust Him, and He is in a hurry to throw me all His wonderful, joyful, blessing of protection, long life and a Party down to me. 

Blessed is Esther.