上下夾攻 Being Pressed From All Sides

自從5月6號的化療以來，體力已減弱，心跳就一直很不好，每天進出醫院都是坐在輪椅上。由於醫生說我的心臟情況仍然很好，叫我要堅強；加上我希望學習放手的功課，故此就就學習不去煩他或要求裝些什麼儀器來監管心臟情況；不過心跳得很亂，小小的走動人就很不舒服。從13號的最後一次化療開始，每天都只是躺在床上，起初以為是化療的影響，21號那天去了急症室才發現原來心跳已經到180下。

心臟情況變得這樣，我問主：「為什麼我選擇不去控制，學習放手，而結果是這樣呢？」我對神說，我覺得很委屈。

23號那天，吃過午飯，因非常不舒服，再到急症室，這次就要留院。醫生每天都替我調較用藥，總是不行:

24號，慢步不到80步心跳就180。

25號，加新藥，血壓就過低；頭暈嘔心。

26號那天，再調，以為OK，中午出院； 因為鎂點滴要到下午3時才完，故沒有立刻離開，就在2點鐘時，心跳一下落到38 ,又是另外一種的危險。醫生決定裝個心臟起搏器。一方面用藥來壓慢心跳，另方面用起搏器防止心跳低過60。

27號 手術移除PORT 及安裝起起搏器。

我的心啊，你為何如此被上下夾攻！

28號從醫院回家後，心跳的情況仍然是稍有走動就跳得好快。

31號禮拜日晚上和Simon做睡前禱告的時候，告訴神，我有擔心，因為醫生定了6月12日就做手術，我的心臟真的能負擔嗎？你不是說做我的盾牌嗎，不是應承我拯救要速速來到嗎，神啊，你在聽我的禱告嗎？

我知道我又再次陷入小信，趕緊求神赦免。然後想起留院時讀的一本關於禱告的書，但回家後好幾天都找不到。我說：「神啊Simon和我找這本書好幾天了，都找不到，請提醒我們把它放到哪裏去了。」話口未完， Simon 就說找到了！原來那本書一直就放在床邊的椅子上，被一些衣物遮住了。但是我們好幾天就是找不到，一禱告就看到。我心中馬上知道，神對我說，祂一直在聽我的禱告。我們馬上感謝主。

第二天6月1日的早上靈修新約讀經，是希伯來書十一章的「人非有信就不能得神的喜悅，因為到神面前來的人，必須信有神，且信他賞賜那尋求他的人。」再細心回想昨天晚上神如何立刻垂聽禱告的事；心中突然一亮，原來，我一直專注的，是我要在什麼事上放手，和要怎樣放手。是我可以做些什麼，全是自己的努力。神要的不是我的努力，而是我對他完全的信靠。因為自我努力掙扎所產生的是自義和驕傲，這些完全不是神要的。

過去的兩三個禮拜，我在試驗中，一直是自己在努力，當然沒有預期的結果，所以就生出很強的委屈感。想到這裏，我看到自己的愚昧和自以為是。當自己的努力沒有預期的結果時，就覺委屈、埋怨、投訴、懷疑神究竟有沒有聽禱告；淹沒在自己的自憐和挫折感中。這時，我對神說：「父啊，什麼時候我害怕，什麼時候就是要更加信靠你。」一下子，心中輕鬆了許多，覺得主從我心裏拿走了一塊一直重壓在哪裏的大石頭。委屈沒有了。我感恩不已。
                                                                  心中響起了一首歌

我信靠主，不論我在何處，或在陸地，或在大海中途；

每日所遇，全仰望主，慈悲天父必常看顧保護。

我信靠主，深知主看顧我，或在荒山，或在怒海狂波；

主賜洪恩，使我安穩，慈悲天父必常看顧保護。

野地玫瑰，天父尚且看顧，天空飛鷹，祂也指引歸途；

我蒙主愛，恩更豐富，慈悲天父必常看顧保護。

我和Simon分享我的領受，他說：「放手≠相信。」謝謝牧師的教導。

主啊，我願意在你面前傾出我的心。我的靈此刻並沒有卓越的經驗，我的悟性也不靈敏，他們都反應遲緩：然而，我敬拜你，你永遠不延緩或疲憊，你最清楚認識我的構造。(章柏斯-竭誠為主-6月1日禱文。)

Being Pressed From All Sides

Ever since I went in for chemo on 5/6, I’ve been feeling weak. My heartbeat has been irregular, and I needed a wheelchair when I went to the hospital. My doctor told me my heart is still strong. He encouraged me, and he told me to be brave. I also wanted to learn to ‘let go’. All that added to my decision to not wanting to have some device to monitor my heart 24/7. But, my heartbeat is still irregular. I would feel sick even after a short walk. I ended up lying in bed all day after my last chemo on the 13th. At first, I thought it was the effect of the chemo. My visit to the ER on the 21st revealed what actually was happening - my heart was beating at 180 per minute. 

I asked the Lord why was this happening just when I began to learn to let go. I felt kind of defeated.

5/23. I felt sick after lunch. Went to the ER. Ended up staying in the hospital. My doctor adjusted the dosage every day but failed to control my heartbeat.

5/24. My heart rate went up to 180 even with me taking less than 80 steps.

5/25. The doctor put me on a new medication. It gave me hypotension (low blood pressure). I felt dizzy and nausea.

5/26. The doctor adjusted my dosage again. We thought it’s going to be fine. The plan was for me to be discharged after the Magnesium IV infusion was done. At about 2pm, my heart rate slowed down to 38 per minute. At this point, my doctor decided to install a pacemaker. So, on the one hand, he wanted to slow down my heartbeat with medication; on the other hand, he used the pacemaker to prevent my heart rate to go below 60.

5/27. They proceeded to take out the port (for chemotherapy use) and installed the pacemaker. 

Oh my heart, you are being pressed from all sides! 

5/28. Came home from the hospital. I still had rapid heartbeat after even small activities.

5/31. When Simon and I prayed at bedtime, I told God my worries. Will I be able to get better by June 12th, the day the doctor scheduled the surgery? Will my heart be strong enough for the procedures? “Didn’t you say you are my shield? Didn’t you say your rescue comes quickly? My God, are you listening to my prayer?” 

I knew I slipped back to the state of little faith. I quickly ask Lord to forgive me  and increase my faith. Then I remembered that I misplaced a book on prayer that I was reading while I was hospitalized. I kept looking for it for days after coming home. I prayed, “God, Simon and I have been looking for this book for days. Please remind us where we put it last.” Then, Simon announced finding it!  All the time, it had been buried under a pile of clothes on the chair next to our bed. Finding it this way made me realized that God was telling me that He has been listening to our prayer. And we thanked Him.

When I did my daily devotion the next morning (6/1), I came to this verse in Hebrews 11 that says: “And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.” When I remembered how God listened to prayer last night, I suddenly realized that I had been focusing on what to let go and how to let go. In other words, my attention was on my accomplishment based on my own work. That was not what God wanted from me. My own work could only nurture my self righteousness and arrogance. He only wanted my complete trust in him! In the past three weeks, I had been depending on myself, and of course I didn’t get to where I wanted to be. As a result, I felt greatly defeated. When I realized what happened, I began to see my folly. I complained when I didn’t see results. I questioned God if he listened to my prayers. And I buried myself in my own frustration and self pity. I prayed, “Father, I will trust in you more whenever I am afraid.” Suddenly, I felt like the Lord had lifted a big stone from my heart. I no longer felt defeated but was only grateful. 

I remembered this song:

I trust in God wherever I may be,
Upon the land or on the rolling sea,
For, come what may, from day to day,
My heav'nly Father watches over me.
I trust in God, I know He cares for me,
On mountain bleak or on the stormy sea;
Tho' billows roll, He keeps my soul,
My heavn'ly Father watches over me.

He makes the rose an object of His care,
He guides the eagle thru the pathless air,
And surely He remembers me,
My heav'nly Father watches over me.
I trust in God, I know He cares for me,
On mountain bleak or on the stormy sea;
Tho' billows roll, He keeps my soul,
My heavn'ly Father watches over me.

When I told Simon what I have learned, he reminded me that "letting go is not the same as trusting God. "  thank you, pastor. 

Lord, I pour out my soul to you. My spirit isn’t quick and my mind isn’t sharp. They are slow and weary. Yet, I worship you. You are never slow or weary. You alone know my heart. June 1 prayer from Chinese version of "My Upmost for Your Highest",-Oswald Chambers